Dear Mom...

Dear Mom...
I've got a hundred things swirling about in my head...all things I want to say to you...yet none of them seems "just right".

I wish I could talk to you...
I wish I could see your face...
I wish I could hold your hand...
I wish I could rub my nose on the smoothness of your cheek, leaning in for just one more kiss.

To say I wish "for one more day with you" is a gross understatement.  Yes, I wish for one more day...and then one more day after that...and then another...and another...and another.

You used to say to us, "One day I'll be gone, and you won't be able to do this for me"...and we would laugh...and you would laugh...and it would be more of a joke than anything else.  Except now you really are gone...and I'd give almost anything to DO anything for you.

People say, "Your mom wouldn't want you to be sad"...but they don't know you very well.  You wanted us to be sad you were gone.  At least that's what you said.  I think I see that all much more clearly now, though.  I don't think you wished this sadness, this sorrow, this pain for any of us.  I think you just wanted the reassurance that we would miss you...that your presence would be longed for...that your absence would be felt keenly.

Mom, oh how I miss you.
I miss your smile...the way it encompassed your entire face, all the way up to your eyes...so much so that you'd become exasperated with how "squinty" your eyes looked in pictures...all because your smile was so vast.
I miss your hands.  I used to love the way that you and I held hands...even through my adulthood.  You had strong hands, working hands, loving hands.  My last picture of you is of your hands.
I miss your voice.  I miss talking with you.  It's been two years, and I still have to bring myself to an abrupt halt when my natural instinct kicks in to "call Mom and tell her..."
I miss your advice...the asked-for...and the un-asked-for.  And now, I'm two years older and two years wiser...and I already realize that I was silly to resent some of the un-asked-for advice.  You were just being a mom.  I knew that.  I know that.  I miss that.  I miss the one person I always knew I could call...one of the kids has a weird rash--oh! I'll call Mom, she'll know what it is.  My chili doesn't have its usual robust flavor--I'll call Mom, she'll know what to add.  I miss that.  Google is a poor substitute.
I miss your ears.  I miss the willing listener that you were.  You knew when I needed to vent...and sometimes, you'd chime right in with me.

Even now, as I write this out, I feel so silly...so inept.  I can't put the big-ness of what I feel into words.  To say I miss you seems so trite...so small...so insignificant to the huge, overwhelming, overtaking feeling inside of me.

Today marks two years that you've been gone.
Two. Long. Years.
It feels like it's been ten.  Maybe twenty.  Certainly more than two.
The feeble insecurities of this Earth are far behind you...

But still...
I just wanted to let you know...
Just in case you ever wonder...
Yes.
I miss you.
A lot.
More than one hundred million words could ever say.

And I love you.
Most of all, I love you.

~Erin

Dee Host

March 22, 1954 ~ October 29, 2010

(My two other entries written this month in memory of Mom can be found here and here.)

Two years ago at this time...

(a little bit of background on today's post can be found here.)


I haven't been here in a while.

And that's bad of me.

Really bad.

But I've been busy.

Very, very busy.

Busier than I've been in a long time.

And I find myself asking myself,

"Am I really this busy?...

or am I just trying to keep myself busy?" 

I'll be honest with you.

This month has been really hard for me.

Extremely, painfully, gut-wrenchingly hard for me.

I think this is the hardest time I've had since she's been gone.

Last year was not this hard.

I'm not even sure that her passing was this hard.

I wish I knew why...

I wish I could explain it.

And then I feel like I'm supposed to get on here and be all full of cheer, 

and fabulous ideas, and delicious recipes...

when truthfully, all I want to do is cry on your shoulder.

You know the little kid, standing in the kindergarten doorway,

arms outstretched toward the form retreating down the school hall?...

You know, the one stomping her feet, throwing a fit, screaming,

"I WANT MY MOMMY!!!"

Yah.  That's me.

And I feel guilty baring all of this to you.

I feel like I must be being too transparent...

I'm too new to blogging to let you see this side of me...

the ugly, raw, wounded side...

the hurting, aching, not-pretty side.

I'm going to turn you off, and I'll never build my readership this way.

But then I question, why am I blogging if I can't be real?

Because the "crazy-about-thrifting-finds Erin"...she's real.

And the "ready-to-try-an-awesome-recipe Erin"...she's real, too.

And both of them are just as real as this Erin...

the "my-gut-is-nauseous-from-the-missing-and-the-longing-and-I-can't-think-straight-

so-I'm-going-to-scrub-my-kitchen-cabinets Erin."

This week has been especially difficult for me.

Mom went to be with Jesus on Friday, October 29, 2010.

So, while next Monday is the actual date of her Home-going, 

this week--the last week of October--feels like the anniversary.

You'd have to know how Mom's passing came about. 

I'll share that more in depth someday, I'm sure.

The short-short, though, is this.

She had friends in from out of town for a couple days of crafting

Thursday the 21st and Friday the 22nd...

they left to go home on Saturday morning, the 23rd.

She went in to the hospital on Monday the 25th.

She went Home on Friday the 29th.

It was that fast.

Really, really fast.

A nineteen-year battle with cancer...

ended in seven days.

We were blessed.

We were truly, immeasurably blessed that it happened so fast.

She had very little suffering in her last days.

But imagine a book with 6,764 pages.

That's how many days are in nineteen years.

Now imagine that the final chapter of that book is only seven pages long.

There's a bit of relief that the book is done...

that you actually know how it ends...

but you really thought the ending was going to be a little longer...

you didn't think it was going to come so sudden...

especially given the fact that the book was so long.

And the fact that Mom's final chapter literally happened entirely in a seven-day period of time,

has etched the details of those days into my memory forever.

Two years ago this afternoon,

I received a call from my dad at the hospital.

Some tests that had been performed on Mom came back with less-than-desirable results.

I needed to come to the hospital.  Now.

Two years ago tonight,

my two younger brothers

flew in from California and met my dad,

my youngest brother (I have three),

and me at the hospital.

Two years ago tonight,

all five of us gathered around her bed to say good-bye.

Two years ago tonight,

Wednesday night, October 27th, 2010,

I spoke to Mom for the last time...

the last time she ever acknowledged me.

I held her hand...

both her hands...

her arms...

any part of her I could grasp on to...

I told her she was my best friend...

(she was...and to this day IS the best friend I've ever had)

and she nodded...and patted me as I hugged her.

And when I started sobbing on her chest,

she shook her head...

as if to tell me not to cry...

not to be sad.

Two years ago tonight,

we sat in a Family Room on that floor of the hospital,

calling hospice...

talking with the hospice nurse until the wee hours of the morning...

making sure we could get Mom home.

That's what she wanted.

She had told us so.

She wanted to go Home from home.

So...

please forgive me for not being here.

I know it won't always be like this...

and I don't think it will be like this every year.

But I write from the overflow of my heart...

and right now, this is all I have to give.

Hey, Y'all...It's Fall!!!

I haven't decorated for Fall since at least 2009.

{And yes, I know that technically "Fall" isn't supposed to be capitalized...but I like to capitalize it.  
So I'm going to.  K?}

Between my mom being sick {Fall, 2010} and us moving {Fall, 2011},

I just had too much going on to even think about being Fall festive.

I really had no plans to dig out my decorations this year.

And then...
Then these two packages arrived☟☟☟

  Well, obviously after receiving bundles full of such goodness,

{from Jen at Lipstick and Laundry

and Angela at Days Turning into Years}

 there was no way I could not do it up for the season.

So here's my little "Fall Home Tour"...

{actually, it's kind of my "Fall Sunroom-Kitchen-Dining Room-Living Room Tour".}

{our back door--back door friends are best, of course}

{my mom made me that quilt♥}
{and yes, it seriously bothers me that it hangs over the fireplace rock trim, but that rod is mounted up there for another wall hanging and I'm not about to permanently mar the wall for a Fall quilt--my OCD does have its limits}

{Angela made me the spider bunting! Eeeeeeepp!  The cuteness!}

{I've had the cornucopia, ceramic fruit, and straw pumpkin since we were first married}
{oh! and those branches? my baby brother (he's 27) got those for me last Christmas.  They're from Viva Terra and ridiculously expensive. and frivolous. and one of my very favoritest gifts ever...I'll show them to you lit up later.}

{i got that little "God's gift" stitchery at a garage sale for 5¢...love it}

{a bunch of the Fall-y goodness in this shot is from Jen...isn't the "harvest" banner to.die.for?!}

{a parting shot...those lovely branches all lit up...aren't they so pretty?}

the weekend ahead...

flea market with friends,

cookout with friends,

crafting with a friend...

enjoying the crisp Fall air...

and glorying in the beauty He created...

it's all around us.

happy weekend, friends!

Thrifty Finds Thursday

After more than a week without thrifting, I was more than ready for a girl's day out last Saturday with my cousin, Brenda.  We were able to make an entire day of it, thanks to my sweet hubs playing Mr. Mom.  

We started off at the Madison, WI, Farmer's Market...Madison is about an hour from Brenda...and she's about an hour from me.  Anywhooo, the Madison Farmer's Market is very well-known, and has the reputation for being one of the best in the Midwest.  It is situated on the square surrounding the Capitol Building, and vendors line all four sides of the block.  I had never been before, but had been wanting to go for a long time.  Suffice it to say, that won't be the last time I go.  

We walked around the square twice, just to be sure we didn't miss out on anything.  Our first go-round was scoping out the wares and prices...on the second round, we made our purchases.  By the time we reached the end of the second trip, we were ready to head to the car, lugging all of our precious cargo on our shoulders.  We ended up with garlic, dill, fresh bread, scones, mushrooms, fresh raw peanuts (Paul wants to try making homemade boiled peanuts--y.u.c.k!), fingerling potatoes, teeny cherry tomatoes, Amish granola, red and green peppers, tomatillos, cilantro, mixed lettuce, hot pepper jam, mixed berry jam...and I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting.  We.Had.Fun!!!

We left the Farmer's Market, determined to hit every thrift store between Madison and Florida {well, kind of}.  Our goal may have been a bit lofty, but we did manage to make several stops on our long journey home.

Here's a peek at my treasures...

☛vintage Holly Hobbie flat sheet.  I plan to use Holly Hobbie accents in the babies' room (I call Addison-4 and Eden-2 "the babies"...and they share a room) and this is the very first HH sheet I've come across.  I was beyond thrilled to find it.
☛vintage floral sheet--the colors in this are adorable.  I'll add it to my collection and figure out what to do with it later.
☛vintage linen kitchen towel--I collect these...and I luuuuuurve them.
☛vintage Strawberry Shortcake pitcher--probably headed for the Etsy.
☛vintage lemonade jar--bought this to make a one-of-a-kind traveling mason jar (you DO know about my traveling mason jars, right?!?)

☛three vintage stitchery kits and assorted wooden embroidery hoops--I was especially pleased to find the "Life is fragile, handle with prayer" kit.  I have this exact {finished} stitchery hanging in my house.    The wooden hoops are for Etsy projects.

☛this is the "Austyn bundle"--Austyn is my oldest daughter (9), and she's enthralled with all things notebook, paper, marker, etc...just like I was at her age.  She had a friend come over last week and they worked on her friend's Smashbook together.  I found this plain bound scrapbook and thought maybe she'd like to make it her Smashbook.  The pages are heavy, durable cardstock.  The packages next to the book are scrapbook sets for fall, again something I thought she'd enjoy fiddling with.  

The teddy bear journal and the pencil pouch kit are both brand new.  Often times, when I find small items like this that are new, I set them aside in my "gift closet".  Then when Christmas rolls around, I'm pretty much set for stocking stuffers.  I've even taken it a step further and set aside larger thrifted items, too.  I rarely have to fork out much money for gifts at Christmas or birthdays, as I am setting things aside all year long.  
For instance, early this fall, I was able to buy my son a Nintendo DS with 6 or 7 games, all for $50.  The DS still had its original box, charger, etc, and I had the benefit of buying it from someone I know.  Now, we aren't big video game people around this house, but that will make a perfect birthday or Christmas gift for him.  And as long as we set boundaries on gaming time, I have no doubt that it will prove a good investment.  Besides, there's the added bonus of not having to scramble around at the last minute, trying to find just the right present for him.
A good friend of mine shared the "gift closet" idea with me several years ago and I've used it ever since.  It has been a huge money-saver {and headache-saver, too}.

☛vintage {I think} pennant for Colton's room
☛vintage wooden hanger--will use it for some craft project
☛Old Navy half-zip sweater for Colton--I love half-zip sweaters and the color grey on him...double-win!
☛grey Land's End long linen skirt for me!
☛white Children's Place sandals for Eden for next summer

☛vintage flower pot/vase--the design on this matches the pattern on a small CorningWare casserole dish I have.  I've never seen any accessory pieces like this, and this little pot looks handmade.  However, the pattern is definitely not hand-painted on there.  There's no maker's mark anywhere on it, either.  So, I'm confused.  But I still like it.  
☛two little vintage mushroom mugs--probably headed for the Etsy.
☛a HUGE bundle of re-useable Starbucks straws.  These were so inexpensive, I simply could not pass them up.  I plan to use them as a bonus freebie with some of my traveling mason jars.
☛vintage kitchen trivet--loved the sentiment on this, had to have it.
☛vintage "clean enough, dirty enough" kitchen sign.  I have one of these hanging in my kitchen and one or two set aside to sell on Etsy. 

♡this photo is full of more "my cousin shops for me" items.  Brenda had all of these packed up, ready to go when I arrived at her house early Saturday morning--first, a 2 1/2 quart oval Pyrex casserole in the Golden Acorn pattern.  I'm not usually nuts about the neutral-colored Pyrex patterns; however, with it being fall, I was super-happy to get this dish...and the 2 1/2 quart oval casserole just so happens to be my very, very favoritest Pyrex dish.  Imagine my sheer delight later on Saturday at Goodwill, when I came across the caddy for the oval casserole!  I was ecstatic!  Aaaannd...if that wasn't all good enough, I already have the cover for the oval dish, set aside in my "extra Pyrex lids" bin.  Yep.  This is one.happy.girl.
♡two matching wooden rooster plates.  Neither Brenda nor I can figure out if these are real vintage, or just made to look vintage.  I tend to think that they really are old...it's hard to tell.  Either way, they're cute...and probably headed for the Etsy.
♡two vintage stitcheries...the mushroom one is adorable!!!


I also found this very pretty afghan.  I posted it in my Afghan Insta-Sale {on Instagram}, and it sold within 30 seconds {no exaggeration}.

So...that's that.  
As always, if you see anything here that you just can't live without, feel free to contact me.  Chances are, I can live without it...and it may just come to stay with you!

Super-Easy Coffee Cuff Tutorial...and How I Make Felted Wool

I recently participated in two fall-themed swaps.  If you have no clue what-in-thee-world I'm talking about, you can see this post over at Jonahbonah, my friend Melissa's blog.

Anywhoo, I wanted to make something for my swap partners...something crafty...something homemade...something quick.  

I'd had this idea a long time ago...at least a year, maybe two years ago...to make coffee cuffs out of recycled wool (more about the wool later).  Obviously, now it is no longer an original idea.  I'm sure there are a hundred other good tutorials out there for making these things...Pinterest is probably littered with them (I avoid Pinterest like the plague).  My project turned out so quick and easy, though, that I thought I'd go ahead and share it with you.

Use a regular old coffee cuff from Starbucks (I suppose Caribou probably has them, too, but really?!?! :::blech!:::) and gently separate it at its seam.  Lay that face-down on the dull side of a sheet of freezer paper.  (For this project, don't substitute wax paper for freezer paper--trust me, use freezer paper.)  Trace the cuff and cut it out.


Ok...in all fairness, I have to stop myself here.
I made my cuff out of felted wool.  I have felted wool coming out my nose.  Literally.  I have drawers full of gorgeous wool sweaters, suitcoats, scarves...you name it, if it's 100% wool, I've felted it.  

Which then begs the question from many, 'how do you felt wool?'  Here's the super-technical process I follow:

I use only 100% wool items.  I've heard that the piece can be 70% wool or higher and the felting will still work.  I don't know if that's true...and I'm too cheap to buy a sweater, wanting to use it for a project, only to discover that it won't felt.  Thus, it's 100% wool only, for me...I've used lambswool, merino wool, "regular" wool, cashmere (that's a kind of wool, right?)...oh!  And angora.  I don't think that's wool.  But angora is ok.  It shrinks nicely.  So does alpaca.  But other than that, I only use wool or wool "variations".

I take my 100% wool items and turn them inside out.  The felting process usually makes a lot of fuzzies...A LOT!  I like to turn the pieces inside out, that way the fuzzies will be on the "wrong" side of the material.  I still end up picking most of them off, but this way I don't have to be quite so vigilant about it.

Turn your items inside out.  Put them in your wash machine with the appropriate water level, detergent, and the hottest water cycle your machine has.  And the LONGEST wash cycle.  This is very important.  Most people assume (as I did for the longest time) that the heat is what shrinks the wool.  Turns out that the friction caused by agitation is also a key component in the shrinking process.  So...hot water, long cycle.  Once the wash machine cycle is done, throw those babies in the dryer for a nice, long dry.  Be prepared to deal with fuzzies left over in the wash machine, as well as a super-full lint filter once your dryer is done.  And viola! You've got beautiful felted wool.
  
How do you know if your wool is felted enough?  You should be able to cut it like a piece of felt...and have very little fraying...most times none.  If your piece isn't felted enough, run it through the same process again and again, until your desired results are achieved.  I have pieces that I washed and dried three or four times before they were felted as much as I like.


So...now back to the coffee cuff...
You traced your cardboard cuff on to freezer paper and cut it out.  Now what?  

Iron your cut-out pattern on to the fuzzy side of your wool.  That's right!  Freezer paper will act as an iron-on!!!  SOOOO cool!  Also, I showed you the contrast between the fuzzy and not-so-fuzzy side of the sweater I used.  Now you see why I wash things inside out!  All those fuzzies will be facing the coffee cup...no one will see them...so no need to pick, pick, pick.

Anywhoo...iron your pattern on to your wool.  I used my iron at whatever setting it was already at (probably the hottest), and just ironed carefully.  It doesn't take long for it to stick--no need to over-iron.

Once the pattern is stuck to the wool, go ahead and cut out around the pattern.  Once you're done cutting, peel off the freezer paper pattern.  DON'T THROW IT AWAY!!!  Guess what?!?  Freezer paper is so awesome that it sticks several times!  I used my same freezer paper pattern four times this day.

So, you've peeled off the freezer paper.  You basically have your cuff now!  It's up to you to figure out how you want to embellish it and what you want to use for a closure.

I used the patterns above (shrunk down a bit) to cut out some little fall doo-dads for the cuffs I was making. 

 I used WonderUnder to "stick" the cut-outs to the cuff.  Though I know this isn't necessary (since I was planning to stitch them, anyway), I always like the extra security of knowing that my pieces are going to stay.  And since I used WonderUnder, I know the stitching wasn't necessary...but it is cute! 

You'll want to have a coffee cup handy to "size" where you'll want to close the cuff.  Keep in mind that felted wool stretches a bit, so you want to make your cuff fit snugly.  Not tight, but snug.
  
I used three black buttons on the back of my cuff.  These are not functioning buttons, although you certainly could make yours functioning.  It's really kind of unnecessary...but then again, so was the stitching when I'd already used WonderUnder!

One very nice thing about felted wool is that if you do decide that you want a functioning button closure, you do not have to stitch button holes.  Since the felted wool doesn't fray, you can simply cut small slits in your wool at the desired location.  Caution, though, cut your slits smaller than you think is necessary.  The wool stretches a bit as you pull it over the button.  Usually only a very small slit is needed.

These would make very easy, but very nice gifts...for pretty much any time of year.  I know I would always rather receive a handmade gift than a store-bought same-old-same-old.

Good luck!  Let me know if you run into any problems!  And by all means, let me know if you make any of these.  I'd love to see pics!