still tender...

still tender after this morning's dream...
tears pressing at the backs of my eyes all day long.
not sad tears.
not tears of mourning.
just tears...tears of missing.
and tears...tears of having been touched right where and right when i needed it most.
what a gift.

for whatever reason,
this is the song that ran through my mind all day long.
i found myself humming it, 
singing it,
mulling over the last verse, especially.
if videos aren't your thing,
turn it on and close your eyes.
just listen to it.

i think you'll be blessed.

and then tonight at church,
this is the hymn we sang, 
right before the message.
i found myself in my pew,
tears streaming down my face,
unable to do more than mouth the final verse.

look at those words!
look at them!
...perfect rest to me is promised in my Father's house above;
when my spirit, clothed immortal, wings its flight to realms of day,
this my song thro' endless ages, Jesus led me all the way.

it may sound like i'm sad...
like i'm grieving.
i'm not.  i'm really not.

actually, i'm savoring these tender moments...
it seems, as you get farther and farther from the passing of a loved one,
that there are fewer and fewer sacred moments set aside just for remembering...
just for dwelling on them...
and what they were--and still are--in your life.

that's where i am right now...
not physically, of course...
physically, i'm making meals and teaching lessons and folding laundry and wiping noses.

but my spirit...
my deep insides...
they're treasuring these tender moments...
when memories are flooding back with vivid clarity
and the past seems an arm's-reach away.

and yes,
it hurts a little.
i'd be lying if i said it didn't.
but it hurts so good.
and i know, deep down,
that deep hurt
is only because there is such
deep love.

thank YOU...yes, YOU.  thank you for so graciously allowing me to bare my heart to you.  my blog is me...all the different parts of me.  the food-loving parts...the thrift-loving parts...the pretty parts...the ugly parts...the happy parts...and the hurting parts.  these posts are kind of a cross between those last two--happy...and...hurting.  sadly, losing loved ones is a part of life...a very natural part of life.  and call me crazy, but i think we should talk about it.  i think it helps.  i really do.  i think it helps to know that there are others out there, going through what you're going through, feeling what you're feeling.  so that's what this is.  it's honesty.  raw, open, vulnerable honesty.  thanks for allowing me to be honest and authentic. xo

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